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“That’s How We Raise Abusers”

Writer's picture: Nyasha B DubeNyasha B Dube

Updated: Jan 26

Gender-based violence (GBV) does not emerge in isolation. It is cultivated over time, often rooted in the ways children are raised within families, schools, and communities worldwide. In many societies, where patriarchal norms dominate, boys are often treated as “special” or superior to girls, perpetuating harmful attitudes and behaviors early on. Phrases like “boys will be boys,” or “he’s just teasing you because he likes you,” normalize actions that excuse violence while placing accountability on girls.

If we confront the uncomfortable truth: abusers are often shaped by societal norms, unchecked behaviors, and parenting styles that fail to challenge harmful stereotypes.



How It Begins: Early Roots of Abuse

The seeds of abuse are sown in childhood. In countless families across the globe, boys are encouraged to assert dominance, while girls are taught submission. A boy who bullies his sister might be dismissed with, “He’s just playing.” A girl complaining about such behavior may be told, “Respect him; he’s the man of the house.”

In schools, bullying by boys is often overlooked. Pulling a girl’s hair or shoving her might be trivialized with, “He likes you,” reinforcing the idea that violence is an acceptable way to express emotions. Girls, on the other hand, are socialized to self-blame: “What did you do to provoke him?”

These early experiences shape boys to believe aggression is consequence-free, while girls internalize blame and silence—dynamics that often persist into adulthood as physical, emotional, and sexual violence.



Patriarchy and Social Norms: Global Challenges

Across many cultures, masculinity is equated with dominance, control, and emotional suppression. Boys grow up hearing they must be tough, strong, and invulnerable. In families, schools, and religious spaces, they are often given more freedom and their actions justified, while girls are taught to accommodate, endure, and silence their needs.

This unequal treatment fosters entitlement among boys and places undue burdens on girls. The result? A dangerous belief that boys have a right to control and dominate women.



The Cycle of Abuse

Globally, the impact of these harmful norms is evident in widespread GBV. Many survivors report that abusers exhibited controlling or violent behavior early in life. Tragically, abuse often perpetuates across generations: boys who witness violence may see it as a norm, while girls may come to view it as inevitable.



Breaking the Cycle: The Role of Positive Parenting

Positive parenting is a powerful tool to challenge harmful norms and nurture generations that value equality and nonviolence.

Steps to Take

  • Teach Respect and Empathy: Boys must learn to respect boundaries, while girls should be empowered to stand up for themselves.

  • Challenge Gender Stereotypes: Encourage boys to express emotions and take on shared responsibilities. Empower girls to pursue dreams and reject harmful norms.

  • Set Boundaries and Consequences: Never overlook violent behavior; enforce accountability early.

  • Model Healthy Relationships: Show children what mutual respect, communication, and nonviolence look like.

  • Open Conversations About Consent: Teach kids about boundaries, kindness, and respect from an early age.



A Global Call to Action

Ending GBV begins in our homes and communities. By raising children with compassion, accountability, and respect, we can create a world where equality and nonviolence are the norm. Let’s build societies where every individual is free to thrive—where respect, empathy, and dignity are the foundation of all relationships.

At Bertha’s Legacy, we are committed to advocacy, education, and support for survivors. Together, let’s break the cycle of GBV and create a safer, more just world for all.


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