In the UK today, a staggering number of survivors of abuse and violence remain unheard. Not because they don’t speak, but because society, time and again, questions them instead of supporting them. Why didn’t you leave? You must’ve provoked them. Why do you want to destroy this family by complaining? Daggers of judgment. Daggers of Shame. Daggers of Blame.
According to the Crime Survey for England and Wales, over 1.6 million women experienced domestic abuse in 2022, yet less than 20% report their abuse to the authorities. Most common reasons: fear of judgment, fear of disbelief, and the crushing weight of societal norms that often place blame squarely on the victim’s shoulders.
What Is Victim Shaming, and Why Does It Persist?
Victim shaming is the act of blaming the victim for the abuse or violence they have endured. It ranges from subtle comments like, “Why didn’t you just leave?” to outright accusations like, “It was your fault for trusting them.” This toxic culture perpetuates silence and keeps survivors from seeking help or justice.
At its core, victim shaming stems from societal biases, a lack of education, and an unwillingness to understand the psychological toll abuse takes on survivors. Instead of questioning the perpetrator’s actions, the focus unfairly shifts to what the survivor could have done differently.
Understanding the Psychology: Freeze, Flight, Fight, Fawn
Survivors of domestic violence often experience responses deeply rooted in human survival instincts. These responses, known as freeze, flight, fight, or fawn, are automatic reactions that occur when someone faces a perceived threat, especially during abuse.
Freeze: The Paralysis of Fear
Freezing occurs when the nervous system perceives the threat as insurmountable, rendering the survivor immobile. In moments of abuse, this reaction might look like a person being unable to scream, move, or resist.
Survivors may dissociate, mentally disconnecting from the trauma to protect themselves from its full emotional impact.
Freezing can also be a way to avoid further escalation; staying still may reduce the immediate danger.
This reaction is often misinterpreted as passivity or complicity, but it is a deeply ingrained survival mechanism.
Flight: The Urge to Escape
The flight response drives the survivor to physically or emotionally distance themselves from the abuse. However, in domestic violence situations, escaping isn’t always straightforward:
Barriers such as financial dependence, custody of children, or fear of retaliation can prevent survivors from fleeing.
Emotional manipulation by the abuser, such as guilt-tripping or gaslighting, can make survivors feel they are at fault for the violence or that leaving would harm the family.
While the instinct to flee is natural, systemic barriers and emotional ties often make it nearly impossible for survivors to act on this impulse immediately.
Fight: The Attempt to Resist
Some survivors react with the fight response, attempting to defend themselves physically or verbally. In domestic violence, this response might escalate the violence:
Many abusers use the survivor’s resistance as an excuse to intensify their control or physical attacks.
Survivors who defend themselves often face further victimization in the justice system, being labeled as the “aggressor” if their resistance causes harm to the abuser.
The fight response is a survival instinct, but it can carry significant risks, especially in situations where the power dynamic heavily favors the abuser.
Fawn: The Need to Please
The fawn response, often overlooked, involves appeasing the abuser to avoid further harm. Survivors might:
Apologize or take responsibility for things they didn’t do to de-escalate conflict.
Alter their behavior, preferences, or appearance to align with the abuser’s demands.
Fawning is often a long-term survival strategy in relationships where the survivor feels trapped. It is a coping mechanism that helps them navigate the abuse without provoking more harm.
Victim Shaming and Societal Norms
Societal norms compound the problem. Survivors, particularly women, are often judged for everything from their clothing to their choice of partner. The UK’s Casey Review of Policing revealed shocking trends: women who report abuse are often met with skepticism and bias from the very institutions meant to protect them.
Even within communities, survivors are shamed for “staying too long” or “not acting sooner.” What society fails to grasp is the intricate web of control, manipulation, and fear that abusers weave around their victims. Leaving isn’t a simple decision; it’s a monumental one, fraught with danger and uncertainty.
The Ripple Effect of Victim Shaming
Victim shaming doesn’t just silence survivors—it perpetuates the cycle of abuse. When survivors are met with judgment instead of compassion, they become less likely to seek help or report their abusers. This allows perpetrators to continue their abuse unchecked, emboldened by a culture that holds their victims accountable instead of them.
Statistics show that only 14% of domestic abuse survivors feel confident enough to approach the police. This isn’t because the abuse is minor—it’s because survivors fear judgment and disbelief.
WE LISTEN, BUT WE DON’T JUDGE
Listening without judgment is one of the most impactful ways to support survivors. For someone who has faced trauma, being truly heard can be the first step toward healing. It creates a safe space where survivors feel validated, respected, and empowered to share their truth.
How to Listen Without Judgment
Supporting survivors requires empathy, patience, and an open heart. Here’s how you can help:
Validate Their Experience: Simple affirmations like “I believe you” or “You’re not alone” can make a world of difference.
Avoid Blame: Questions like “Why didn’t you leave?” imply judgment. Instead, focus on what they need now.
Resist Giving Advice: Survivors need to be heard, not fixed. Offer guidance only if they ask for it.
Be Patient: Survivors may struggle to articulate their feelings. Respect their pace without rushing them.
Creating a Safe Space
A safe space is more than physical—it’s about emotional reassurance:
Practice Active Listening: Maintain eye contact, acknowledge emotions, and stay fully present.
Maintain Confidentiality: Respect their privacy to build trust.
Use Non-Judgmental Language: Avoid words or comparisons that could diminish their experience.
Educating Others to End Victim Shaming
Dismantling victim shaming requires awareness and education:
Raise Awareness: Schools and workplaces should teach about abuse dynamics and supporting survivors.
Challenge Myths: Address false beliefs like “They stayed, so it must not have been that bad.”
Shift the Narrative: Focus on holding perpetrators accountable instead of questioning survivors.
How You Can Help
At Bertha’s Legacy, we are committed to breaking the cycle of victim shaming. Through education, support, and advocacy, we strive to create a world where survivors feel empowered, not judged.
You can join us in this mission:
Become a volunteer and work directly with survivors, offering the compassion and understanding they deserve.
Make a donation to help fund our educational programs and support services.
Your contribution, no matter how small, can make a lasting impact.
Change Begins With Us
The fight against victim shaming starts with each of us. It starts with listening without judgment, supporting without questioning, and believing without doubting. Survivors of abuse have already endured unimaginable pain. The least we can do is stand with them, not against them.
Together, we can create a society that uplifts survivors, holds abusers accountable, and ends the toxic cycle of shame. Let’s make a difference—one voice, one act of kindness at a time.
Stand with Bertha’s Legacy today.
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