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Writer's pictureZanele Bey

Survivor Story: Meet Vee



Could you briefly introduce yourself and share why you decided to share your story today?

I’m a single mother of two.  I want to encourage women to come out (and share their story).  When you are in a dark hole you can’t see your way forward, you feel you are in bondage, hopeless.  I hope my story will inspire another woman or two to free themselves, and to also share their story.

 

What was your experience with gender-based violence, and when you realize it was happening?

My partner was a drug addict.  I was in a state of confusion when I first when I first noticed the changed behaviours, unsure of what was going on.  I used to lie awake at night trying to comprehend what was happening, questioning my own sanity. The abuse started with small things –verbal and emotional abuse, a shove here and there, and gradually escalated to more violent behaviours.

 

What were some of the emotions you went through at the time?

Hurt. Betrayal. Confusion. Forgetfulness. Self-doubt. Fear. Worthless. Shame (about what others would think). Restlessness – I lost my sense of peace.

 

How did this experience affect your life—emotionally, mentally, and physically?

I suffered an emotional breakdown.  I had really low self-esteem. My inner self would argue with my partner even when he was not physically present. I started emotional eating. I scared to go to sleep because I feared something would happen to me while I slept.


Did your relationships with family, friends, or others change as a result?

I lost my ability to socialise with people – I became isolated. When I did share a little bit of what I was going through, no-one understood the extent of my issue, so I withdrew even more.  My partner criticised my friends and family and their influence on me, which also contributed to reduced contact with them.


How did you see /view yourself when you went through the experiences?

I lost my sense of self. I saw myself as worthless, with no direction.  I experienced weight gain because of my emotional eating – this negatively impacted my confidence.


Has anything changed? If so, what brought the change?

Self - affirmation and self-care.  I am now able to put myself first.


Was there a moment when you decided to seek help?

Yes, I decided to seek help at the church that I attended regularly. I spoke to the first lady and some deaconesses, and eventually the Pastor.

 

What was that process like for you?

Frustrating.  I did not feel seen or understood.  I wanted them to hear my cry. I wanted them to advocate for us to take a break from the relationship. But they wanted us to remain together while we worked on our issues.  I knew deep inside that I was done with the relationship, so the support they were providing was not helpful.  The suggestions they were making did not feel useful. I was not getting the help I was crying out for. No-one heard. No one understood.

 

What kind of support, if any, did you find least helpful during your journey?

The advice that “marriage is marriage”. That you must persevere for the sake of your child, no matter what.

 

What would you say are some of the biggest challenges you experienced as a when seeking help?

My partner was very charismatic.  When people looked at him the saw an angel.  A man of God.  A prayer warrior.  They didn’t look beyond that, or see the monster that I was dealing with , living with.


How did your healing journey start?

I started doing positive affirmations, self-reflection. Embracing mistakes as learning opportunities.


What steps have been the most important to you for your recovery?

My faith. I looked inward.  I stopped talking to about my problems to everyone else who was not helping me. 


What keeps you going on tough days?

I focus on being the best parent I can be to my two children.


What triggers or brings back memories or flashbacks? What transports you back to the event/s that brought about the trauma?

When I hear someone shouting, being verbally abusive.


What do you do to help yourself when the trauma is triggered?

I recite affirmations to shift my focus to positive thoughts.


Do you have any advice for someone watching this video who may be going through a similar experience but hasn’t spoken up yet?

Put yourself first.  That situation you think you can’t escape – you can. That dark hole you think you can’t climb out of – you can.

Speak up, speak out. The more you keep quiet, the greater damage you do, which may possibly impact your children.  You may never feel ready to speak out.  Take the bold step. Do it.


How can friends, family, or the community best support someone going through gender-based violence?

The community should not judge or look down on women/mothers who leave their marital home.  These women are looked on as immoral, not fit for friendship, not respectable.  You are expected to preserve the marriage at all costs.  The fear of loss of respect causes women to stay in abusive situations.

The community should not stigmatize victims of GBV. We need to encourage each other. There is a common Zimbabwean saying (which translates to) “Relationships are between two people - don’t get involved”.  At some point – we need to realise we do need to get involved, that something needs to be done.

 

If there was one thing you could change in how society addresses gender-based violence, what would that be?

Create more social groups and activities (for them) where these ladies can encourage each other and receive support.  Arts and craft classes where they can learn to use their hands.

 

What’s one thing you’d like viewers to take away from your story?

No matter what it is you are going through, you can come out of it.  There is hope.       

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